Using recently declassified technology discovered at the site of the famous Roswell, New Mexico UFO crash, researchers at Zenreach’s secret labs have developed a new WiFi router capable of detecting off-world-designed communication devices—Xenoreach. Using Xenoreach, human-owned businesses can finally connect with their furthest-traveled customers and craft advertising that will drive all manner of carbon, and non-carbon, based lifeforms in their doors.

Extraterrestrials have been visiting Earth for many years to enjoy its quaint charms. They delight in our provincial culture’s lack of interstellar travel and our unique culinary scene, which features food grown only on a single planet (chocolate-covered peanut butter is a fave). Probing enthusiasts have also found our rural areas to be perfect for scientific experiments.

Thanks to the coordinated work of global agencies keeping a lid on this, it’s difficult to put an exact number on the boost this gives to our economy. Some estimates put the number in the billions of dollars. Because of secrecy, businesses have also never been able to identify which of their customers are aliens. This made it difficult to reach this demographic with marketing messages.

An easy to-use integration with Babel Fish-based translators allows marketers to bypass language issues and craft compelling copy that will be understood in most of the observable galaxy. Xenoreach is also Prime Directive compliant. Our product will never interfere with the internal and natural development of alien civilizations that have not developed superior levels of technology. Nor will it disrupt travel between multiverses.

Though not required by the EU’s General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), we have partnered with the Men in Black, a highly secretive government agency, to equip brick-and-mortar businesses with neuralyzers to protect the identities of any xenoguests who might prefer to keep their existence hidden from humans.

Michael Bishop, a spokesman for the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, said, “This is really groundbreaking stuff. Our mission is to ‘Build Better Worlds’ and we think this is exactly the kind of product that will help our marketing team succeed. So far we’ve had excellent results with our Yautja customers, who just love visiting for a bit of sport.”

Terrestrial-based businesses will still have access to our core product, Zenreach. It helps them know their customers better, without invasive neuro-interfaces, and grow sales by connecting real-Earthling behavior with non-cybernetic online experiences. Our WiFi marketing platform automatically tracks customer visits, builds rich customer profiles, targets communication more precisely and directly measures in-store impact.

Visit Xenoreach.com.


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